Speaking of kids and the crap they say and do.....

My oldest son, bless his heart, does some really, uhh, interesting stuff.  I remember well an incident that happened about a year ago.  I walked into the bathroom and there sits a bottle of really old rogain.  Now, my husband does NOT use it anymore, he's moved on to finisteride, but I digress.  Okay, so there sits the rogain.  Later I go to my son's truck and sitting THERE was another bottle of rogain in his cup holder.  I panic.  After all, I'm a news junkie and I start thinking "Oh, my God, what are kids doing now-a-days with rogain? Do they sniff it, snort it, drink it, or WHAT?"  My mind was a total blank.  I was, literally, shaking.  I was thinking that my son was some kind of strange, new-age addict, hooked on some new "trendy" substance that did God only knows what.  Hadn't heard of this new thing with kids and rogain, but I was sure it couldn't be good.  Oh, and did I mention that said son, at the time, was 22 years old?  Yes.
Okay, so once I gathered my wits about me, I called his father.  Needless to say, he was zero help and had heard of no new trends with drugs, nor was he overly concerned.  So I then called my daughter, who, like me, had a "WTF"  attitude and, like her dad, was zero help, either.  So, being that I am a bit unbalanced by this whole thing, I called my son.  I proceeded to freak out on him, which he's quite used to at this stage of his life, and demand to know just what nefarious things he's been doing with rogain.  As only he could, he casually drawls, "Well, I've been using it to grow hair on my face, Mom."  Shit you not.  I thought I was going to have a heart attack just 30 seconds before, and now I'm, literally, rolling on the floor dying of laughter while  clutching my sides.  Yes, I was relieved, but I couldn't help but ask him, after it took me about 5 minutes to compose myself, "did it work"?
Yes, the shit my kids say and do!  Have a nice Mardi Gras weekend, y'all!  Hope you enjoyed yet another story from me, Mad Max!

The trials and tribulations of Maxine!

So, haven't written in a while so I 'spose it's about time for a new blawg.  It's been an eventful couple weeks, to say the least.  It all started the week before the big spring livestock show.  One of our dogs, Sweetie (snort, NOT well named)  helped the neighbor's damned demon dog chase down one of Lil' Max's goats and killed it.  Not only did they kill him,  but they were also in the process of sampling the hind quarter portion of Nosey (the now deceased but formerly live goat).  Not only that, but the damned thing cost us $500 bucks to boot.  Sigh....at least the little one, Dew, got away, though he prolly needed some "therapy" after the trauma that he endured.  Poor thing ran to the neighbors on the OTHER side of us, away from the demon dog neighbor's house.  Poor thing couldn't/wouldn't even bleet.., seriously.  Someone suggested a "goat whisperer", but I digress. 
So, after all this we go to the livestock show and show our poor traumatized goat with the scratches and chew marks still fresh and visible all over him, bless his heart.  I guess it didn't help that in the 6 days time between the "incident" and the show, he also lost 7 pounds and wasn't really eating much.  Poor guy would really only eat when Lil Max was in the pen with him.  Just what I need....a goat with issues who now needs a therapist!
Anyway, after the show my kid gets sick.  Guess it was all the barn dust.  So, being the really good Momster I am, I made him a doctor's appointment.  The doctor asked HIM what his symptoms were and dutifully took notes.  Then doc says, "anything else"?  to which Max says, "yes, I do believe that I was having hot flashes last night while I was sleeping".  I.  Lost.  It.  I'm always talking about hot flashes, and I guess the kid picked up that particular phrase from MOI!  Doc couldn't keep a straight face, but me?  I was on the floor rollin' around laughing my ass off.  You gotta' watch what you say in front of your kids, people.  Thank GOD it was hot flashes and nothing more scandalous.  Especially considering the fact that I have a vernacular that would curl a sailors toes and render him speechless yet quite proud of my colourful turn of phrases!
  After all the events of the week before, I really needed the comic relief that only one of my children can bring.  Ahhhh, kids and the shit they say and do!

Warning! Detour ahead......

Yes, my children are a bit clueless.  I always figured they got it from HIS side of the family.  This past week, however, has made me think otherwise.  I know that my kids are smart.  At least, on an intellectual level, that is.  Common sense-wise, not so much.  How, you ask?  Well, kid #1 is going to a national trial competition.  She leaves today, actually.  Anyway, I was talking to her two nights ago and asked her what her flight # is.  She has no clue.  Okayyyy.  So then I ask her what hotel they are staying at.  Again, no clue.  I ask her how much money she's taking.  Her, "Uh, like, none."  I asked her what the itinerary says they will be doing during the days since they will have them open as the competition is during the evenings.  Again, she doesn't have a clue about the itinerary or what's on it as she doesn't have one.  Mmmmkay.  Soooooo, I gently (okay, not so gently) tell her to find out where she's staying and at least what airline they're flying with.   That way, I at least know the locale in case all of them get thrown in jail for disorderly conduct at the competition and I have to come up with bail money.  (Actually, that scenario would probably only happen with kid #2, but you just never know.....)
Anyway, since I'm always talking about their cluelessness, I might as well 'fess up to my own.  Last week, I was going to meet a girlfriend and go watch her daughter in a pageant.  As I was putting on jeans and cute little polo shirt, I had a thought.  I thought, hmmmmmm, my kick-ass suede gray leather ankle boots would really look cute with this.....Yeah, I shoulda' went with the ORIGINAL idea.  To wear my black flats.  But noooooo, I wanted to look cute.  And we all know that cute always wins out.  Am I right?  Uh huh.   But I gotta' tell ya', lying flat on the ground, all sprawled out with a face full of dirt just ain't cute, or sexy.  Yeah, that old commercial was rattlin' around in my head at the time, "Help, I've fallen and I can't get up!"  Kid #3  came over and helped drag my ass to my feet while saying, "Didja fall or what, Mom?"  "Naw, I was just lying here so I could get a better look at this here bug that I inadvertantly smashed to smithereens......I'm interested in the ecological issues concerning him and the impact that my recent actions might cause his fellow commune dwellers...." 
Yes, I went to that damn pageant, too.  Gimpy leg and all.  Smart?  Well, at the time, I thought so.  That is, til said gimpy leg decided to start swelling up and turning all purple.  I looked like the Elephant man's sister.  Not attractive, nor cute at this stage of the game.....The male nurse at the emergency room showed zero empathy for my need to wear cute shoes that morning, either.  Said women in heels was a dumb idea.  Course, coming from him, I wasn't impressed.  He was wearing something kin to croc's.  Ugly-ass shoes.  I think they were even purple.  I shoulda' told him that Barney called me and asked me to tell him to please return his shoes.
The moral of the story, boys and girls, is this.  If the risk of injury is worth it, go ahead.....wear the damned cute shoes anyway!  You'll only be out of commision for a couple of weeks!

My New Year's "Revolution" for 2012....

Yes, my pretty, you read that right.  Why "revolution", you ask?  Well, allow me to explain.  As it happens, every year, it's the same ole' same ole'.  I thought that this year, I might just try something different.  Something "revolutionary", if you will.  It's something that I have actually been thinking about for several months, really, because of the crazies in my ginormous family.  Ah yes, especially after having to call the prison warden in order to have her deliver a no contact order to my bat-shit crazay egg donor, but I digress.

So, to bring in the new year, people, my biggest "revolution" is to not pet the drama llama.  I've done that for so many years that Loni, the drama llama, got too damned comfy in and around the old homestead.  Loni took up so much space here that she practically had her own room, complete with bed, television and food dish!  It's not that Loni wasn't entertaining at times, (boy was she!), it's just that she was literally making me feel like the crazy was normal.  I mean, my cheese was sliding off my cracker, folks.  My cheese sliding had to come to an end!  She really needed to find a new home because this one was tired of her and all her baggage.   Oh, and the baggage!  She needed a whole damned U-Haul for that, lemme' tell ya'!

I'm not totally heartless, though.  I fully intended to load Loni and all her baggage into the U-Haul, but I awoke on January 1st, 2012 to find that Loni-the-good-time Llama had quietly left sometime before sunrise.  Sad, really, but I had gotten somewhat used to Loni and all the drama that came with her.  Yes, I know it'll take a bit getting used to her being gone, but I'm sure that she's found a new home.  I bet that she's even settling in nicely, too.  I mean, she IS entertaining, after all.  It's just that after awhile, she's, well, TOO entertaining.  

Good-bye, Loni-the-good-time-drama-llama!  Alas, I shall look back at all her antics and KNOW that this was, indeed, for the best.   Enjoy your new home, wherever it may be.  Know that your time with me left an indelible imprint on me that I shall not soon forget. 

Tales from the darkside....my kids

I love my kids.  Really, I do.  Even through some of the most unbelievable, bizarre, and downright funny/horrific things they say and do.  It has become increasingly clear to me that all three are, for lack of a better phrase, are socially stunted.  Every. Single. One.  The two big ones in ways that you simply would not believe.  I have hope, or perhaps moments of delusional thinking, that #3 may come out more normal that the two older ones.  Yes, I know that I'm probably deluding myself, but hey; it's all I've got.  Quite frankly, delusions are what sometimes help me get from point A to point B.  As a matter of fact, I embrace that about myself.  I think that I'd much rather be delusional than just dysfunctional.  It's so much more Mad Max, doncha' think?  Anyway, on to my chilrens......

 The oldest one, Bless her heart, seems to be just an all around clueless individual.  Not only can she not connect the dots, she also has to question why the dots are even there.  Then, she will try to figure out what the pattern of the dots represent only to then try to explain to ME the significance of said dots and the relevance of them in regards to the whole universe.  You see, she's the smart one who's got the common sense of maybe a 4 year old.  (Believe me, that's being generous, too.)  You give her an extremely hard equation to figure out, no problem.  BUT, if you give her something easy like simple directions on how to do something that a normal person could follow, and what does she do?  She practically falls apart.  She analyzes every single step, to the point of stupidness.  Honestly. 

Kid #3, has many of the same attributes as my oldest daughter.  He, too, is smart but very, very lacking in the areas of common sense and simple motor skill tasks.  Poor kid still cannot ride a bike and he's 10.  Well, 10 and a half, actually.  He didn't learn to tie his shoes until last year.  Even now, he'd prefer to wear velcro shoes if I would only let him.  (Truth be told, so would kid #1, probably!)  He's one of those kids that's so smart in some areas, yet borderline retarded in others.  I kid you not.  He says some pretty funny stuff, too, because he takes things so literally.  Once, I told him that I had some rat killing to do (southern colloquialism) to which he promptly replied, "Where are we going to set the traps, Mom? You know I want to help!"  Bless his little clueless heart.  I had to try to explain it to him, which was hard to do, considering I was laughing so hard I was crying.  He is a constant reminder to me of just how dumb I was as a kid.  He knows things NOW that I didn't know until I was an adult, or until he told me. As a matter of fact, he informed me one day about 2 years ago that the whiskers of a catfish were toxic.  I laughed, thinking yeah, right.  Only to be informed by my daughter (who's got a B.S. in toxicology, no less) that, "Yes, Mom, he's correct."  I will admit, I tried to play that one off, but DAYUM, these kids know more than I do.  I'd say that it's pretty obvious they didn't get their smarts from me. 

Kid #2 has lots of common sense, thank GOD.  He, however; is socially retarded when it comes to social situations with people.  He has NO idea how to interact with girls.  Case in point, his current girlfriend.  She's about 6 years older than him.  (Can you say mommy issues?)  She seems crazy about him, or just crazy, depending on how you view things.  Him?  Eh, I think he could take her or leave her, personally.  She seems to have made him her personal project.  She's totally into him.  He, on the other hand, seems to be coasting along, reveling in her desire to make him dress better, take more pride in his appearance, etc.  She has NO idea, apparantly, what she's gotten herself into.  He's got the social grace of about an 8 year old.  Oh yeah, he's dressing better and all, but he's got a long way to go in the growing up department.  Case in point, he recently went to an out of state wedding.  Took her along.  What did he do when they got there, you ask?  He dumped her with his sister at the hotel.  Not only that, he's was mean to her, too.  Sister tore into his ass about his treatment of said girlfriend, her and just women in general  Yes, nothing like your sister ripping you a whole new ass-hole in front of your girlfriend, friends and people you've just met.  From what I understand, it was a weekend chock full of tears, snot, runny mascara, drama and just all around good times had by all!  

Did I mention that I love these kids of mine?

My daughter, the Goodwill ambassador.

My daughter loves a bargain, always has.  Me, yeah I like a good deal or a sale.  My daughter, however; takes bargain hunting to a whole 'nother level.  You see, she loves to shop.  And where, you ask, does she shop?  GOODWILL, people.  Seriously.  I mean, it's not like she actually needs to shop there, but she loves to have someone else's stuff, apparently.  Not only that, but she also likes to point out how much money she's saving me by shopping there.  Yep, she's becoming a bag lady at the ripe old age of 24.  To make matters worse, last winter someone actually parked a shopping cart outside her front door.  Really.  I think someone was trying to tell her something.  That, or they just figured out where the 24 year old Goodwill bag lady lives. 
She actually called me the other day and was positively JUBILANT because she found a Winnie the Pooh something or other.  For like $3.00.  One of her friends, who's 30 something and ALSO in professional school, collects Winnie the Pooh stuff.  Yep, so she scratches off the Winnie the Pooh friend off her Christmas list, because she has the awesomest gift in the world for her now.  All thanks to her fave one stop shopping destination, GOODWILL! 
Seriously, for Christmas I'm thinking that Goodwill gift certificates are in order.  Wait, can you even GET gift certificates from Goodwill?  Hmmmmm, guess it's time to go by and see.  Gee, won't she be thrilled and excited that I figured out just what to get her this year!  If not, she can just use them to get the other "special" people in her life some really fabulous, though slightly used, second hand merchandise!

The elaborate Gadhafi hoax

 I will readily admit that I am a self-proclaimed news junkie.  An addict, if you will.  However, I cannot be the only person on the face of the Earth that has noticed that something is amiss in regards to Gadhafi.  I have, as a matter of fact, come to a somewhat stunning observation today while perusing the internet.  It is my opinion that there are three of them.  Yes folks, a set of triplets.

Have you ever seen the reality series called "Family Jewels"?  Well, I have.  In it, is the Kiss front man, himself, Gene Simmons.  He, I believe, is one of Gadhafi's long, lost brothers.  Pause for a moment and think about it.  They have the same hair, the same features, the same level of je ne sais quoi creepiness, if you will.  Am I right? 

Ok, the third brother is none other than the legendary guitarist himself, Carlos Santana.  Oh my God, people.  These three guys are identical.  It is very, very obvious.  I mean, who would figure it out, right?  NOBODY, that's who. 

Gene and Carlos loved playing rock star while growing up, obviously.  As for Gadhafi, I'm going to assume that he loved to play army, mutilate animals and start fires.  It would also seem that Gadhafi, like Gene, loved to play dress up in weird costumes.  I mean, have you SEEN some of their get-ups?  Even Carlos has done this.  I mean, they ARE triplets, after all.  They do share some similar affectations, it would seem.  They all have an affinity for the "rock star" shades.  Lets not forget that Gene loves his platform boots AND that Carlos has a shoe line.  Coincidence?  I think not! 

I guess in the grand scheme of things, I can understand why their mother split them up.  I mean, can you honestly blame her?  Have you seen them?  Can you imagine taking them all out at once, and having people recoil at the sight of three such gruesome little babies? 

I think that she made the wise decision to give the other two up.  I have to wonder, though, do they look like their mother or their father?  I guess I'll have to get on the world wide web and do research.
Happy Halloween, everyone!