Tales from the darkside....my kids

I love my kids.  Really, I do.  Even through some of the most unbelievable, bizarre, and downright funny/horrific things they say and do.  It has become increasingly clear to me that all three are, for lack of a better phrase, are socially stunted.  Every. Single. One.  The two big ones in ways that you simply would not believe.  I have hope, or perhaps moments of delusional thinking, that #3 may come out more normal that the two older ones.  Yes, I know that I'm probably deluding myself, but hey; it's all I've got.  Quite frankly, delusions are what sometimes help me get from point A to point B.  As a matter of fact, I embrace that about myself.  I think that I'd much rather be delusional than just dysfunctional.  It's so much more Mad Max, doncha' think?  Anyway, on to my chilrens......

 The oldest one, Bless her heart, seems to be just an all around clueless individual.  Not only can she not connect the dots, she also has to question why the dots are even there.  Then, she will try to figure out what the pattern of the dots represent only to then try to explain to ME the significance of said dots and the relevance of them in regards to the whole universe.  You see, she's the smart one who's got the common sense of maybe a 4 year old.  (Believe me, that's being generous, too.)  You give her an extremely hard equation to figure out, no problem.  BUT, if you give her something easy like simple directions on how to do something that a normal person could follow, and what does she do?  She practically falls apart.  She analyzes every single step, to the point of stupidness.  Honestly. 

Kid #3, has many of the same attributes as my oldest daughter.  He, too, is smart but very, very lacking in the areas of common sense and simple motor skill tasks.  Poor kid still cannot ride a bike and he's 10.  Well, 10 and a half, actually.  He didn't learn to tie his shoes until last year.  Even now, he'd prefer to wear velcro shoes if I would only let him.  (Truth be told, so would kid #1, probably!)  He's one of those kids that's so smart in some areas, yet borderline retarded in others.  I kid you not.  He says some pretty funny stuff, too, because he takes things so literally.  Once, I told him that I had some rat killing to do (southern colloquialism) to which he promptly replied, "Where are we going to set the traps, Mom? You know I want to help!"  Bless his little clueless heart.  I had to try to explain it to him, which was hard to do, considering I was laughing so hard I was crying.  He is a constant reminder to me of just how dumb I was as a kid.  He knows things NOW that I didn't know until I was an adult, or until he told me. As a matter of fact, he informed me one day about 2 years ago that the whiskers of a catfish were toxic.  I laughed, thinking yeah, right.  Only to be informed by my daughter (who's got a B.S. in toxicology, no less) that, "Yes, Mom, he's correct."  I will admit, I tried to play that one off, but DAYUM, these kids know more than I do.  I'd say that it's pretty obvious they didn't get their smarts from me. 

Kid #2 has lots of common sense, thank GOD.  He, however; is socially retarded when it comes to social situations with people.  He has NO idea how to interact with girls.  Case in point, his current girlfriend.  She's about 6 years older than him.  (Can you say mommy issues?)  She seems crazy about him, or just crazy, depending on how you view things.  Him?  Eh, I think he could take her or leave her, personally.  She seems to have made him her personal project.  She's totally into him.  He, on the other hand, seems to be coasting along, reveling in her desire to make him dress better, take more pride in his appearance, etc.  She has NO idea, apparantly, what she's gotten herself into.  He's got the social grace of about an 8 year old.  Oh yeah, he's dressing better and all, but he's got a long way to go in the growing up department.  Case in point, he recently went to an out of state wedding.  Took her along.  What did he do when they got there, you ask?  He dumped her with his sister at the hotel.  Not only that, he's was mean to her, too.  Sister tore into his ass about his treatment of said girlfriend, her and just women in general  Yes, nothing like your sister ripping you a whole new ass-hole in front of your girlfriend, friends and people you've just met.  From what I understand, it was a weekend chock full of tears, snot, runny mascara, drama and just all around good times had by all!  

Did I mention that I love these kids of mine?

My daughter, the Goodwill ambassador.

My daughter loves a bargain, always has.  Me, yeah I like a good deal or a sale.  My daughter, however; takes bargain hunting to a whole 'nother level.  You see, she loves to shop.  And where, you ask, does she shop?  GOODWILL, people.  Seriously.  I mean, it's not like she actually needs to shop there, but she loves to have someone else's stuff, apparently.  Not only that, but she also likes to point out how much money she's saving me by shopping there.  Yep, she's becoming a bag lady at the ripe old age of 24.  To make matters worse, last winter someone actually parked a shopping cart outside her front door.  Really.  I think someone was trying to tell her something.  That, or they just figured out where the 24 year old Goodwill bag lady lives. 
She actually called me the other day and was positively JUBILANT because she found a Winnie the Pooh something or other.  For like $3.00.  One of her friends, who's 30 something and ALSO in professional school, collects Winnie the Pooh stuff.  Yep, so she scratches off the Winnie the Pooh friend off her Christmas list, because she has the awesomest gift in the world for her now.  All thanks to her fave one stop shopping destination, GOODWILL! 
Seriously, for Christmas I'm thinking that Goodwill gift certificates are in order.  Wait, can you even GET gift certificates from Goodwill?  Hmmmmm, guess it's time to go by and see.  Gee, won't she be thrilled and excited that I figured out just what to get her this year!  If not, she can just use them to get the other "special" people in her life some really fabulous, though slightly used, second hand merchandise!

The elaborate Gadhafi hoax

 I will readily admit that I am a self-proclaimed news junkie.  An addict, if you will.  However, I cannot be the only person on the face of the Earth that has noticed that something is amiss in regards to Gadhafi.  I have, as a matter of fact, come to a somewhat stunning observation today while perusing the internet.  It is my opinion that there are three of them.  Yes folks, a set of triplets.

Have you ever seen the reality series called "Family Jewels"?  Well, I have.  In it, is the Kiss front man, himself, Gene Simmons.  He, I believe, is one of Gadhafi's long, lost brothers.  Pause for a moment and think about it.  They have the same hair, the same features, the same level of je ne sais quoi creepiness, if you will.  Am I right? 

Ok, the third brother is none other than the legendary guitarist himself, Carlos Santana.  Oh my God, people.  These three guys are identical.  It is very, very obvious.  I mean, who would figure it out, right?  NOBODY, that's who. 

Gene and Carlos loved playing rock star while growing up, obviously.  As for Gadhafi, I'm going to assume that he loved to play army, mutilate animals and start fires.  It would also seem that Gadhafi, like Gene, loved to play dress up in weird costumes.  I mean, have you SEEN some of their get-ups?  Even Carlos has done this.  I mean, they ARE triplets, after all.  They do share some similar affectations, it would seem.  They all have an affinity for the "rock star" shades.  Lets not forget that Gene loves his platform boots AND that Carlos has a shoe line.  Coincidence?  I think not! 

I guess in the grand scheme of things, I can understand why their mother split them up.  I mean, can you honestly blame her?  Have you seen them?  Can you imagine taking them all out at once, and having people recoil at the sight of three such gruesome little babies? 

I think that she made the wise decision to give the other two up.  I have to wonder, though, do they look like their mother or their father?  I guess I'll have to get on the world wide web and do research.
Happy Halloween, everyone!

An introduction

Allow me to introduce myself.  I am Maxine, or Mad Max; as my daughter likes to call me.  I am, unfortunately or fortunately, whichever you prefer, from the deep, deep, DEEP south.  I call it the butt-crack of civilization.  If you have the pleasure of knowing anyone or, perhaps, being from said bowels you know what I mean.  People from the south have a, shall we say, skewed view of things.  They will pass judgement on everyone and everything, whether they have room to judge or not.  I am no exception.  I like to say that an opinion is something that most people should keep to themselves, but it's like stupid, it just oozes outta some people whether we like it or not.  I guess I'm one of the Stoopids, because I seem to always be oozing something, even when I KNOW that I shouldn't say something, I do anyway.  It always comes back and bites me in the ass, too.  It's like an affliction, I suppose.  One of which, in my case it seems, has no cure.  Hell, I'm lucky if I ONLY piss off a person or two a week, not that it really bothers me, but still.  I'm sure that my kids think I should seek therapy for this, but it's one of the most entertaining things that I have going for me.   It also drives my kids bat-shit crazy.  I would be lying if I said that I don't enjoy that aspect of it, which I do.  Very much, in fact. 
And in a nutshell, there you have it.  I make ZERO apologies for what I'm sure will offend, embarrass or humiliate anyone that I know or am related to.  I will use monikers as I see fit to protect the innocent and embarrass the guilty.  I promise to twist, lie, abbreviate and downright massacre some stories, facts and just random shit as I see fit.  After all, this is MY blog, dammit.  That's how it is in Maxine's World, people.  You have been warned.  Read at your own risk.  After reading, you may or may not decide to drop me a comment.  If you do, please realize that I am one of those people that really doesn't know what it means to be politically correct.  I make no promises to behave myself in regards to replying to your pissy or snarky comments.  Keep that in mind if you do decide to comment.  Just sayin'......