My oldest son, bless his heart, does some really, uhh, interesting stuff. I remember well an incident that happened about a year ago. I walked into the bathroom and there sits a bottle of really old rogain. Now, my husband does NOT use it anymore, he's moved on to finisteride, but I digress. Okay, so there sits the rogain. Later I go to my son's truck and sitting THERE was another bottle of rogain in his cup holder. I panic. After all, I'm a news junkie and I start thinking "Oh, my God, what are kids doing now-a-days with rogain? Do they sniff it, snort it, drink it, or WHAT?" My mind was a total blank. I was, literally, shaking. I was thinking that my son was some kind of strange, new-age addict, hooked on some new "trendy" substance that did God only knows what. Hadn't heard of this new thing with kids and rogain, but I was sure it couldn't be good. Oh, and did I mention that said son, at the time, was 22 years old? Yes.
Okay, so once I gathered my wits about me, I called his father. Needless to say, he was zero help and had heard of no new trends with drugs, nor was he overly concerned. So I then called my daughter, who, like me, had a "WTF" attitude and, like her dad, was zero help, either. So, being that I am a bit unbalanced by this whole thing, I called my son. I proceeded to freak out on him, which he's quite used to at this stage of his life, and demand to know just what nefarious things he's been doing with rogain. As only he could, he casually drawls, "Well, I've been using it to grow hair on my face, Mom." Shit you not. I thought I was going to have a heart attack just 30 seconds before, and now I'm, literally, rolling on the floor dying of laughter while clutching my sides. Yes, I was relieved, but I couldn't help but ask him, after it took me about 5 minutes to compose myself, "did it work"?
Yes, the shit my kids say and do! Have a nice Mardi Gras weekend, y'all! Hope you enjoyed yet another story from me, Mad Max!
Friday, February 24, 2012
Sunday, February 19, 2012
The trials and tribulations of Maxine!
So, haven't written in a while so I 'spose it's about time for a new blawg. It's been an eventful couple weeks, to say the least. It all started the week before the big spring livestock show. One of our dogs, Sweetie (snort, NOT well named) helped the neighbor's damned demon dog chase down one of Lil' Max's goats and killed it. Not only did they kill him, but they were also in the process of sampling the hind quarter portion of Nosey (the now deceased but formerly live goat). Not only that, but the damned thing cost us $500 bucks to boot. Sigh....at least the little one, Dew, got away, though he prolly needed some "therapy" after the trauma that he endured. Poor thing ran to the neighbors on the OTHER side of us, away from the demon dog neighbor's house. Poor thing couldn't/wouldn't even bleet.., seriously. Someone suggested a "goat whisperer", but I digress.
So, after all this we go to the livestock show and show our poor traumatized goat with the scratches and chew marks still fresh and visible all over him, bless his heart. I guess it didn't help that in the 6 days time between the "incident" and the show, he also lost 7 pounds and wasn't really eating much. Poor guy would really only eat when Lil Max was in the pen with him. Just what I need....a goat with issues who now needs a therapist!
Anyway, after the show my kid gets sick. Guess it was all the barn dust. So, being the really good Momster I am, I made him a doctor's appointment. The doctor asked HIM what his symptoms were and dutifully took notes. Then doc says, "anything else"? to which Max says, "yes, I do believe that I was having hot flashes last night while I was sleeping". I. Lost. It. I'm always talking about hot flashes, and I guess the kid picked up that particular phrase from MOI! Doc couldn't keep a straight face, but me? I was on the floor rollin' around laughing my ass off. You gotta' watch what you say in front of your kids, people. Thank GOD it was hot flashes and nothing more scandalous. Especially considering the fact that I have a vernacular that would curl a sailors toes and render him speechless yet quite proud of my colourful turn of phrases!
After all the events of the week before, I really needed the comic relief that only one of my children can bring. Ahhhh, kids and the shit they say and do!
So, after all this we go to the livestock show and show our poor traumatized goat with the scratches and chew marks still fresh and visible all over him, bless his heart. I guess it didn't help that in the 6 days time between the "incident" and the show, he also lost 7 pounds and wasn't really eating much. Poor guy would really only eat when Lil Max was in the pen with him. Just what I need....a goat with issues who now needs a therapist!
Anyway, after the show my kid gets sick. Guess it was all the barn dust. So, being the really good Momster I am, I made him a doctor's appointment. The doctor asked HIM what his symptoms were and dutifully took notes. Then doc says, "anything else"? to which Max says, "yes, I do believe that I was having hot flashes last night while I was sleeping". I. Lost. It. I'm always talking about hot flashes, and I guess the kid picked up that particular phrase from MOI! Doc couldn't keep a straight face, but me? I was on the floor rollin' around laughing my ass off. You gotta' watch what you say in front of your kids, people. Thank GOD it was hot flashes and nothing more scandalous. Especially considering the fact that I have a vernacular that would curl a sailors toes and render him speechless yet quite proud of my colourful turn of phrases!
After all the events of the week before, I really needed the comic relief that only one of my children can bring. Ahhhh, kids and the shit they say and do!
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
Warning! Detour ahead......
Yes, my children are a bit clueless. I always figured they got it from HIS side of the family. This past week, however, has made me think otherwise. I know that my kids are smart. At least, on an intellectual level, that is. Common sense-wise, not so much. How, you ask? Well, kid #1 is going to a national trial competition. She leaves today, actually. Anyway, I was talking to her two nights ago and asked her what her flight # is. She has no clue. Okayyyy. So then I ask her what hotel they are staying at. Again, no clue. I ask her how much money she's taking. Her, "Uh, like, none." I asked her what the itinerary says they will be doing during the days since they will have them open as the competition is during the evenings. Again, she doesn't have a clue about the itinerary or what's on it as she doesn't have one. Mmmmkay. Soooooo, I gently (okay, not so gently) tell her to find out where she's staying and at least what airline they're flying with. That way, I at least know the locale in case all of them get thrown in jail for disorderly conduct at the competition and I have to come up with bail money. (Actually, that scenario would probably only happen with kid #2, but you just never know.....)
Anyway, since I'm always talking about their cluelessness, I might as well 'fess up to my own. Last week, I was going to meet a girlfriend and go watch her daughter in a pageant. As I was putting on jeans and cute little polo shirt, I had a thought. I thought, hmmmmmm, my kick-ass suede gray leather ankle boots would really look cute with this.....Yeah, I shoulda' went with the ORIGINAL idea. To wear my black flats. But noooooo, I wanted to look cute. And we all know that cute always wins out. Am I right? Uh huh. But I gotta' tell ya', lying flat on the ground, all sprawled out with a face full of dirt just ain't cute, or sexy. Yeah, that old commercial was rattlin' around in my head at the time, "Help, I've fallen and I can't get up!" Kid #3 came over and helped drag my ass to my feet while saying, "Didja fall or what, Mom?" "Naw, I was just lying here so I could get a better look at this here bug that I inadvertantly smashed to smithereens......I'm interested in the ecological issues concerning him and the impact that my recent actions might cause his fellow commune dwellers...."
Yes, I went to that damn pageant, too. Gimpy leg and all. Smart? Well, at the time, I thought so. That is, til said gimpy leg decided to start swelling up and turning all purple. I looked like the Elephant man's sister. Not attractive, nor cute at this stage of the game.....The male nurse at the emergency room showed zero empathy for my need to wear cute shoes that morning, either. Said women in heels was a dumb idea. Course, coming from him, I wasn't impressed. He was wearing something kin to croc's. Ugly-ass shoes. I think they were even purple. I shoulda' told him that Barney called me and asked me to tell him to please return his shoes.
The moral of the story, boys and girls, is this. If the risk of injury is worth it, go ahead.....wear the damned cute shoes anyway! You'll only be out of commision for a couple of weeks!
Anyway, since I'm always talking about their cluelessness, I might as well 'fess up to my own. Last week, I was going to meet a girlfriend and go watch her daughter in a pageant. As I was putting on jeans and cute little polo shirt, I had a thought. I thought, hmmmmmm, my kick-ass suede gray leather ankle boots would really look cute with this.....Yeah, I shoulda' went with the ORIGINAL idea. To wear my black flats. But noooooo, I wanted to look cute. And we all know that cute always wins out. Am I right? Uh huh. But I gotta' tell ya', lying flat on the ground, all sprawled out with a face full of dirt just ain't cute, or sexy. Yeah, that old commercial was rattlin' around in my head at the time, "Help, I've fallen and I can't get up!" Kid #3 came over and helped drag my ass to my feet while saying, "Didja fall or what, Mom?" "Naw, I was just lying here so I could get a better look at this here bug that I inadvertantly smashed to smithereens......I'm interested in the ecological issues concerning him and the impact that my recent actions might cause his fellow commune dwellers...."
Yes, I went to that damn pageant, too. Gimpy leg and all. Smart? Well, at the time, I thought so. That is, til said gimpy leg decided to start swelling up and turning all purple. I looked like the Elephant man's sister. Not attractive, nor cute at this stage of the game.....The male nurse at the emergency room showed zero empathy for my need to wear cute shoes that morning, either. Said women in heels was a dumb idea. Course, coming from him, I wasn't impressed. He was wearing something kin to croc's. Ugly-ass shoes. I think they were even purple. I shoulda' told him that Barney called me and asked me to tell him to please return his shoes.
The moral of the story, boys and girls, is this. If the risk of injury is worth it, go ahead.....wear the damned cute shoes anyway! You'll only be out of commision for a couple of weeks!
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
My New Year's "Revolution" for 2012....
Yes, my pretty, you read that right. Why "revolution", you ask? Well, allow me to explain. As it happens, every year, it's the same ole' same ole'. I thought that this year, I might just try something different. Something "revolutionary", if you will. It's something that I have actually been thinking about for several months, really, because of the crazies in my ginormous family. Ah yes, especially after having to call the prison warden in order to have her deliver a no contact order to my bat-shit crazay egg donor, but I digress.
So, to bring in the new year, people, my biggest "revolution" is to not pet the drama llama. I've done that for so many years that Loni, the drama llama, got too damned comfy in and around the old homestead. Loni took up so much space here that she practically had her own room, complete with bed, television and food dish! It's not that Loni wasn't entertaining at times, (boy was she!), it's just that she was literally making me feel like the crazy was normal. I mean, my cheese was sliding off my cracker, folks. My cheese sliding had to come to an end! She really needed to find a new home because this one was tired of her and all her baggage. Oh, and the baggage! She needed a whole damned U-Haul for that, lemme' tell ya'!
I'm not totally heartless, though. I fully intended to load Loni and all her baggage into the U-Haul, but I awoke on January 1st, 2012 to find that Loni-the-good-time Llama had quietly left sometime before sunrise. Sad, really, but I had gotten somewhat used to Loni and all the drama that came with her. Yes, I know it'll take a bit getting used to her being gone, but I'm sure that she's found a new home. I bet that she's even settling in nicely, too. I mean, she IS entertaining, after all. It's just that after awhile, she's, well, TOO entertaining.
Good-bye, Loni-the-good-time-drama-llama! Alas, I shall look back at all her antics and KNOW that this was, indeed, for the best. Enjoy your new home, wherever it may be. Know that your time with me left an indelible imprint on me that I shall not soon forget.
So, to bring in the new year, people, my biggest "revolution" is to not pet the drama llama. I've done that for so many years that Loni, the drama llama, got too damned comfy in and around the old homestead. Loni took up so much space here that she practically had her own room, complete with bed, television and food dish! It's not that Loni wasn't entertaining at times, (boy was she!), it's just that she was literally making me feel like the crazy was normal. I mean, my cheese was sliding off my cracker, folks. My cheese sliding had to come to an end! She really needed to find a new home because this one was tired of her and all her baggage. Oh, and the baggage! She needed a whole damned U-Haul for that, lemme' tell ya'!
I'm not totally heartless, though. I fully intended to load Loni and all her baggage into the U-Haul, but I awoke on January 1st, 2012 to find that Loni-the-good-time Llama had quietly left sometime before sunrise. Sad, really, but I had gotten somewhat used to Loni and all the drama that came with her. Yes, I know it'll take a bit getting used to her being gone, but I'm sure that she's found a new home. I bet that she's even settling in nicely, too. I mean, she IS entertaining, after all. It's just that after awhile, she's, well, TOO entertaining.
Good-bye, Loni-the-good-time-drama-llama! Alas, I shall look back at all her antics and KNOW that this was, indeed, for the best. Enjoy your new home, wherever it may be. Know that your time with me left an indelible imprint on me that I shall not soon forget.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)